


A Nothing Day

by Tamasha



Series: Built to Fall [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Boyfriends, Cutting, Depression, Doctor!Arthur, Feels, Gay, Love, M/M, Modern Era, Relationship(s), Romance, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unresolved, pianist!merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 19:34:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11259528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: Merlin ruminates alone in his room with a razor...TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, cutting, blood





	A Nothing Day

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara

It wasn't Arthur’s fault. Actually, everything was going really well, which was probably the issue. Because if things were going great then they were bound to go to shit, and then everything would be ruined. The higher the climb, the further the fall. Right? Well, Merlin wasn't prepared for that fall, so he figured this was the best way to deal with it.

Lance and Gwen were gone, but the biggest dilemma was if the cat should be in or out of the room. On one hand Merlin was really lonely, and wanted company, but on the other, cats could sense pain and all that, right? She would know something was wrong. And he really didn’t want to be an inconvenience to anyone. Even the cat.

But if Aithusa could sense pain, would she even know Merlin was hurting himself? He was fairly convinced that he couldn't feel anything anymore.

Or maybe it was that he felt too much?

He didn’t know.

Everything was either too hot or too cold. Too up or too down. Too chaotic or too peaceful. Too heavy or too light. Nothing just was. Merlin didn’t want to be alive or dead. He just wanted...out. That's it. And this was his way out.

He knew it was wrong. He could just call a hotline or something… Hell, he could even call his fucking boyfriend who was a doctor. But honestly, he couldn't.

Not even music sounded like music anymore. It was sounds. Just sound that fell apart in the air, never catching onto the next note to bring a melody to his ear. When he pressed the keys on his piano lately, the sound hurt his ears, making him want nothing more than to tear them from his head and be deaf to it. He hated his piano because it was supposed to save his life.

Supposed to.

Now...

Now he sat in his room with a razor blade in his hand and his pale left wrist facing upward.

Just one slice.

Merlin didn’t flinch. He had done this before, many times. It often brought him to hospitals where they would try to fix him. But this time they wouldn't catch him before he could…

“Merlin?”

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuck.

How did he get in? Did Merlin forget to lock the door?

His wrist bled all over his shirt and he couldn’t think straight. He applied pressure to the wound, like he knew he should, so he wouldn't lose too much blood. Ironically, Arthur had taught him that.

But didn't he want to lose blood? That was the point of this, right? There was still time for him to bleed out before Arthur could figure out how to unlock his bedroom door.

Merlin removed his hand and looked at the red line across his wrist as blood spilled out.

He didn’t want Arthur to find out that way. To find him dead on the floor.

Oh god.

No.

“Erm, just a minute!” Merlin called from his room. Good thing he didn’t let Aithusa in the room, it would buy him some time; Arthur loved that cat. She would surely greet him at the door and distract him for a solid two minutes.

Merlin found some old plasters and stuck them sloppily over the gash. He then got all the scotch tape left on his turtle dispenser and wrapped it hurriedly around his arm over the bandages. Quickly, he tugged on a longsleeve shirt and opened the door.

Arthur was right outside.

“Oh.”

“You ready?” Arthur asked, smiling as if nothing in the world was wrong.

That hurt. 

Hurt more than what Merlin had just done to himself.

“Ready for what?” Merlin asked, straightening out his shirt, being sure the sleeve covered his arm all the way down.

His boyfriend scowled. “For our date. Did you forget again, Merlin?”

Merlin shrugged. “Maybe you called the wrong Merlin,” he said, forcing normalcy as he pushed his way out of his room, shutting the door with a slam so that Arthur wouldn’t know. See the razor and know what he did.

There was as moment when Merlin thought Arthur had figured it out. He glanced at the door, then at Merlin curiously before his face cleared again.

“Come on, you sweet idiot. I'll get you spaghetti. You love spaghetti.”

Merlin nodded. “I sure do.”

Arthur clasped his hand on Merlin's back, guiding him down the hall.

It was just as if nothing had happened. A normal day. A nothing day where everything was something and Merlin was still Merlin pretending to go about his life as if he actually cared to be there. And no one would know. No one would be the wiser that back in his room he had a blade and a bottle of pills for when he gathered the courage to let it all stop. And maybe, just maybe, understand what it meant to be free.

**Author's Note:**

> This hits close to home for me and it was scarily easy to write. I hope everyone stays safe and know that people care about you. If you ever need help, don't be afraid to call the Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.


End file.
